Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

By Matt

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1977, Directed by George Barry

Well.

The thing that separates Death Bed from most of the other movies I’ll be reviewing is that I hate it. I hate this movie with my entire being. That said, I found it way more fun to watch than when I first saw it three years ago because it is so absurdly bad that I started to appreciate more just how many ways it went wrong.

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WARNING: THIS MOVIE MAY CAUSE INDIGESTION

To start, this movie is available in full on YouTube, like Foodfight! was before I assume the spike in traffic called attention to it. I doubt this will be taken down, though, because no one cares about it. The creator apparently forgot he made it until it gained cult favour through bootlegging and he put out the DVD release in 2006. Watch some of it! It took me three hours to watch it and three more to write this review. I suffer for you people.

Also worth a check out is Patton Oswalt’s routine on this movie which was for me, like many, the introduction to this movie’s horrible world. I’m going to get him to sign my friend’s copy one day.

The first thing you notice is that all things considered this dude is NOT THAT BAD OF A DIRECTOR. Some shots linger too long and some shots are awkwardly framed but compared to most low-budget movies his direction is incredible. The issue is that the movie’s pacing is among the worst of any movie ever made.

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The opening bit that establishes the bed’s nature should be all that’s required. A couple has their food eaten by the bed (which is just like a huge chamber of acid contained in a weird negative space beneath the bed) but instead the movie takes like, 30 MINUTES OF ITS RUN TIME just establishing its kills back to its inception, which itself would’ve sufficed as a point of entry.

The origin of the death bed is… a demon that lived on the breeze fell in love with a girl, CONJURED UP A BED UPON WHICH TO FUCK HER, and then whoops he’s a demon so the GIRL DIED and the demon CRIED TEARS OF BLOOD ONTO THE BED which became possessed with his essence while the rest of him flew unto the breeze and got trapped in a wayward tree.

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No seriously. They took a significant chunk, nearly half of the movie, for that explanation.

The present narrative of the movie is three women (or a woman and two teenagers I can’t really tell with the 70s) are staying in a place because of reasons. One of them feels sick and decides to stay back while the other two have a picnic. The bed takes off her clothes (obviously) and then SLOWLY CUTS HER THROAT WITH HER CROSS’s CHAIN IN THE SLOWEST, MOST UNSETTLING KILLING IN THE WHOLE MOVIE. Apparently the pool of acid has prehensile strength such that it can slide a chain back and forth like a hacksaw?

I can’t adequately take a screenshot of this so please just watch this segment. Warning for blood obviously.

The second kill is even worse. She manages to escape the bed.

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She then spends a solid 4 minutes sliding away using only her arms only for the bed to SNAP OUT A PREHENSILE BEDSHEET AND DRAG HER BACK IN.

The third character’s brother shows up way too late after getting a weirdly large amount of screen time and tries to save her but then OH NO.

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SKELETON HANDS!!!!

And I’ve not even explained the man behind the painting (the bed didn’t want to eat him so trapped him, alive, behind a painting where he revealed how to destroy the bed?) or how they destroy the bed (CREATING AN OCCULT FIGURE 8 AND FUCKING THE HALF-DEAD CORPSE OF THE GIRL [WHO I GUESS DIDN’T DIE BY FUCKING THE DEMON] IN ONE PART OF IT?)

The bed is just on fire and the movie ends.

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Fuck this movie.