Alpha and Omega

By Matt

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2010, Directed by Anthony Bell and Ben Gluck

I think one of the best ways to describe Alpha & Omega is “tragically misguided”. The story is pretty simple and by the books: forbidden lovers of differing social classes (though I’m pretty sure Alpha/Omega pack theory has mostly fallen entirely by the wayside) fall in love and yadda yadda. I don’t THINK that the intention was to create a thinly veiled DeviantArt fuckwolf fest but that’s basically what happened.

While the story is pretty damn boring and by the books there’s just something about the decisions made in the production of this movie that baffle me and that’s what I’m going to focus on.

Screencaps via DisneyScreencaps despite this being a LionsGate film.

UNFORTUNATE CHOICE #1: FUCKWOLVES

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I don’t know if it’s intentional but it’s hard not to read far into it when that was how the movie was described to you. Like, try watching Totally Spies under the assumption that everything is servicing a weird fetish and the “evidence” starts piling up.

All I know is that this movie had entirely too many loving ass shots for it to be entirely coincidental.

There’s also this thing in the movie where they never expressly refer to the idea of sex as such and essentially replace mentions of sex with mentions of howling at the moon together. The difference is that they HOWL IN HUMAN SINGING VOICES.

AND IT’S TERRIFYING AND THEN YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT MEANS SEX.

Please watch this.

UNFORTUNATE CHOICE #2: THE MAIN CHARACTER IS AN ASSHOLE

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This fucker, Humphrey is rude to everyone in this movie, including characters I hate and wouldn’t mind him being mean to if it weren’t for the fact that I hate him more. He’s grossly possessive of the main lady wolf and so full of himself despite being dumb and ugly I HATE HIM SO MUCH. He’s presented as the alternative to an Alpha wolf whose only shortcoming is he can’t howl well and even that is written off by the end of the movie when the DeviantArt wolf, who seems like one of the storyboarder’s self-inserts, ends up teaching him how and they love each other while the main characters are in Idaho (they got kidnapped by humans for repopulation and ended up sneaking away with some adorable humans it wasn’t very interesting they got back via the aforementioned fucktrain) and make the plot all convenient.

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Also redeemable: Main wolf girl’s mom who just threatens to rip everyone’s throat out. You rule.

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UNFORTUNATE CHOICE #3: THE CONFLICT

The conflict: Two divisions of wolves are in Jasper. One is starving because their clan has shitty land for caribou. The other clan refuses to join their packs unless their clan daughter is married away for literally no reason and for no gain to anyone?

And we’re supposed to SYMPATHIZE WITH THE WELL-FED CLAN?

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Just SHARE THE FUCKING FOOD there’s clearly enough caribou you Danny Glover-voiced motherfucker. Let Dennis Hopper (in his tragically last-ever movie role) EAT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

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Dennis Hopper is so hungry and sad about being in this movie.

I noticed while double-checking the cast that the Wikipedia article was vandalized to be about Lion King which is exhausting.

Eventually they’re about to be at an all-out WAR because their wolf kids won’t fuck and it’s like dude his daughter is missing just join the packs anyway who gives a shit and then that happens anyway.

UNFORTUNATE CHOICE #4: THE WORST CHOICE

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This fucking gay goose is ostensibly a Canadian goose but him and his sassy gay fuck duck are annoying and the worst and I hate them. Even a Canadian stereotype would’ve been less obnoxious.

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Fuck you.

IN SUMMATION:

Bland animation, weird colour / lighting making characters look like plastic, uncanny valley wolf faces, simultaneously creepy and hilarious sex metaphor, unlikable characters, ridiculous conflict and to top it all off the movie is about DeviantArt fuckwolves.

At least it was hilarious my last two review experiences were bleak as hell. At least…

It’s hilariously bad.